The #1 song in America on August 3, 1953, the day I was born (in England), according to Billboard magazine, was “Vaya con Dios (May God Be with You)” by Les Paul & Mary Ford. This tune, which I’d never heard of apart from the line heard in tough-guy movies, has also been recorded by Chet Atkins, Gene Autry, Pat Boone, Rocky Burnette, Nat King Cole, Bing Crosby, the Drifters, Freddy Fender, Julio Iglesias, the Lennon Sisters, the McGuire Sisters, Nana Mouskouri, Tony Orlando & Dawn, Hank Snow, Mel Tormé, Jerry Vale, Roger Whittaker and many others. It’s got staying power, apparently.

It had replaced Eddie Fisher’s “I’m Walking Behind You” in the top position two days earlier, and stayed there all the way through October 3, when it was bumped off by the novelty tune “St George and the Dragonet” by Stan Freberg that spoofed the legend and the TV show “Dragnet”.

This got me thinking: Who are these people?? No actually, I am old enough to have heard of them all, have actually played the guitar that Les Paul invented, and often ogled Eddie Fisher’s one-time wife Elizabeth Taylor. (Fisher had a variety series on NBC in 1953 called “Coke Time with Eddie Fisher”. Ah ha ha ha ha!)

But it did get me strolling backward and forward through the years to see what else Americans (and presumably Canadians) were listening to on my birthdays. In many cases, as it turned out, that should read “were forced to listen to”, because there’s always a lot of garbage on pop radio. The charts over the years, however, managed to confirm my suspicion that the garbage is smellier today.

Billboard’s hit history dates back to 1890, when “Semper Fidelis” by the US Marine Band was, not surprisingly, a big smash. But what are we talking about here, gramophone sales? Sousa marches were huge back then, and “My Wild Irish Rose” in 1899. In 1902 Arthur Collins scored with “Bill Bailey, Won’t You Please Come Home”, and then came stuff like “Give My Regards to Broadway” and “Meet Me in St Louis, Louis”. Al Jolson was on top in 1918 with “Hello Central, Give Me No Man’s Land” and again in 1919 with “I’ll Say She Does”.

The ’20s pretty much belonged to Paul Whiteman, though Bessie Smith’s “Down Hearted Blues” was #1 in 1923, 1931 had Bing Crosby crooning something called “At Your Command”, and then the big bands rode high again with Benny Goodman’s “These Foolish Things Remind Me of You” in ‘36 and Glenn Miller’s “Moon Love” in ‘39. In between Ella Fitzgerald was #1 with “A-Tisket, A-Tasket”, one of modern music’s earliest earworms (those tunes that get stuck in your head).

In 1940 Tommy Dorsey, my sixth cousin, money removed, had a hit with “I’ll Never Smile Again” and the song titles got more recognisable as the decade went on. Kay Kyser scored twice, six years apart, with “Jingle Jangle Jingle” and “Woody Wood-Pecker”, Bing was back with “Swinging on a Star” and Perry Como had a pair of ones with “Some Enchanted Evening” and “Surrender”, which I don’t think is the same song that Cheap Trick did three decades later.

Nat King Cole’s terrific “Mona Lisa” came along in 1950, and then, after I was born, one of the so-called “precursors” to rock’n'roll snuck in as “Sh-Boom” by the Crew-Cuts. The following year, ‘55, Bill Haley & His Comets made it official with “Rock Around the Clock”, then the Platters got a platinum platter with “My Prayer” and finally, in 1957, Elvis Presley was offering me a “Teddy Bear” for my fourth birthday.

There was some dicking around as the decades rolled on, with Ricky Nelson and Paul Anka closing out the ’50s and Brian Hyland’s “Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polkadot Bikini” getting the ’60s going. But things were getting serious, and by ‘64 the Beatles’ “A Hard Day’s Night” was top of the charts.

A quick retro step the next year with “I’m Henry VIII, I Am” by Herman’s Hermits and we got right back to rock with, in quick succession, “Wild Thing” by the Troggs, “Light My Fire” and “Hello, I Love You” by the Doors and Zager & Evans’ strange but satisfying “In the Year 2525″.

It was at this stage, if I remember correctly, that AM and FM radio had a nasty divorce, with the latter getting custody of all the good music, so it’s no surprise that Billboard’s #1 songs of the ’70s, with the exception of Gilbert O’Sullivan’s “Alone Again (Naturally)” were all crap: Carpenters, John Denver, Elton John, Donna Summer, Andy Gibb and his big brothers the Bee Gees and, not helping at all, the Rolling Stones’ stupidly danceable “Miss You”.

Still, it’s been all downhill ever since and Hell cannot be far away now. The ’80s had “Every Breath You Take” by the Police, “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” by U2 and a brief look at New Wave with “Shout” by Tears for Fears, but they also had Olivia Neutron-Bomb, Rick Springfield, Peter Cetera, Survivor, Prince and some crap by Steve Winwood.

In 1993 UB40 held the #1 spot with “Can’t Help Falling in Love”, which was already old when Elvis recorded it, and as far as Billboard is concerned, in my estimation, there has not been another good song at the top of the charts since. Mariah Carey, Madonna, Puff Daddy, Christina Aguilera and Brandy ruled the ’90s, then yielded the new millennium to the likes of Nelly Furtado, Beyonce and ‘N Sync.

All my guys are either dead or in their 60s now. Thank God some in the second category can still play music, and thank God for CD reissues.